Tonight is one of those nights that I think back and wonder what did I do with my life? What have I gained? What have I lost?
Could be that I have no time nowadays to really think of anything else but work, perhaps it is really time for a change.
It seems like this year will be a year of changes for me.
What I thought I will be doing for this whole year has been changed. Due to many factors, the responsibilities for me this year has changed. People working with me and around me changed recently. I think this is a sign for another change. A change to ten years of being in one place.
Come the month of May, there will be another major change, and there is a series of changes as a result of that.
Am I afraid of changes? Searching within, I have to admit that I am worried of changes. Perhaps as one gets older, one is more resistant to change.
No matter what, changes are inevitable. For better or for worse, I will just have to meet these changes head on.
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
Last night’s dream reminded me of a certain song’s lyrics:
I?m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I?m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it?s only you and me- Here Without You (3 Doors Down)
If there are two words to describe the past three months, it will be ‘Sheer Madness’.
It is sheer madness to work 12 to 15 hours a day. Not to mention I work at home too. The work just keep piling up.
It is sheer madness to face new problems, new obstacles every single day. Before I could find a solution to the previous day problems, I am looking at new problems for the day. Every single day. Every morning when I wake up, the first question that goes into my mind will be, ‘What new problems today?’. Every night before I sleep, I sigh at the unresolved problems for the day, and worry about what new problems next day will bring. Every single day, for the past three months.
It is sheer madness that no matter how hard I try, how flexible I am, how creative I think, how many problems I resolve, the client is never happy. And instead of assisting us so that the project can move forward and rollout in time, they throw everything at us, putting roadblocks everywhere, and just stop us from trying to do our job.
It is sheer madness how much inner strength I had left after all these. I do not think that I still have such a large reserve pool of strength. Too many times when I am on the verge of throwing in the towel yet somehow I still press on. But the question is when will this reserve pool runs dry too?
Sheer madness. When will all these end? When will I finally give up?
Totally feel like giving up. Quit. Enough of all these.
Re-reading my previous post, it seems to me that I have been pretty negative. Well it is the new year, and one should always look forward to a new year.
As such, I shall look forward to the new year. Sure, the SOC Feeling is still there, but I should think positive. I should learn to take things less seriously, and learn to make lemonade from all the lemons life throw at me.
I only live this life once, and no matter how life tries to beat me down, kick me as I lie on the ground, strangle me, knock me out, I shall look at life in the eyes and laugh.
So with me roughly reaching the half way mark of my lifespan, it is time to ensure the next half of my life will be much better than the first half.
Well now, this is the end of the decade, and the beginning of a new one, as they say. Which actually brings up an interesting point, shouldn’t the decade starts with the year ending in 1, and ends with the year ending in 0? If that is the case, the decade should end in 2010, instead of 2009.
Whatever is the case, a new year is upon me. The feeling I have now of the new year is best described as what I termed ‘The SOC Feeling‘. The SOC here means ‘Standard Obstacle Course’. Back when I was serving my nation for 2 1/2 years, we had to complete regularly this Standard Obstacle Course. We put on our uniforms, boots, helmet, our webbing, and our M16. We run 700m, followed by eleven obstacles, after which it is another 800m run to the end. The SOC was simply a torture, a case of mind over body. No matter how fit one was, one is bound to go through pain. While the Individual Physical Proficiency Test was to gauge how fit one was, the SOC was to gauge how much pain one can endure.
The SOC Feeling came during the initial few months of my 2 1/2 years. We had to complete the SOC within a certain time period, and if we do not make it, we are to remove 1 item of our gear, rest for a few minutes, and go through the entire SOC again within another time period. And if we still do not complete it within the time period, we are the remove another item of our gear, rest for a few minutes, and go for our third SOC for that morning and so on. Suffice to say, most people cannot even clear the obstacles during the second SOC. And we do this 5 times a week, for a few weeks. The SOC Feeling is the feeling that I get, when I am waiting for my turn to run the SOC. It is like having millions of butterflies in the stomach, knowing that I will embark on a journey that will subject my body and mind to perverse pain. And wishing that I was at the end of the SOC instead.
2010 will be like running SOC every day. Many challenges, many obstacles, and much pain. 2010 will be a year where my mind, my body and my soul will be subjected to abuse and pain. As the year 2010 begins, I am like waiting for my turn to run the SOC, with the dreaded and familiar SOC Feeling. And wishing the year 2010 will end already.
Amazon finally delivered my copy of LEGO Star Wars: The Visual Dictionary. While flipping through it, I noticed one of the first LEGO Star Wars set is that of the Landspeeder set.
The Landspeeder is a significant piece of vehicle in the Star Wars galaxy. I remembered when it first appeared in the movie Star Wars Epsiode IV : A New Hope, Luke Skywalker was driving one. As a young kid, it left such an impression on me that I told myself I wanted the Landspeeder toy. However, we were very poor then, and my parents could never afford any Star Wars toys for me.
I was very disappointed then, and I remembered one fine day when I was playing downstairs in the grass patch, I found an abandoned Landspeeder toy. The figurines that came with it were missing, but overall the toy was pretty intact.
I remembered spending hours playing with it, picturing myself as Luke Skywalker. Very fond memories.
Somehow as I grew up, I must have misplaced this toy, and it was lost. I decided last night to search through eBay, and to my surprise, there are a few copies of this toy, almost in mint condition for sale. I am still considering if I should bid for one as it costs quite a tidy sum.
It is like trying to buy back a piece of my childhood.
I think I finally managed to get this site up again. Almost thought of reinstalling Wordpress and restoring my last backup. That would have taken hours.
HBO was showing the movie Superman, the classic movie where Christopher Reeve was Superman.
Even though the movie was released in 1978, that is 31 years ago, I remembered vividly the day where my whole family went to watch it in the cinema.
I remembered my mother telling me about it days before. I remembered waiting in anticipation for it. I remembered feeling overwhelmed by the giant poster of the movie at the front of the cinema. I remembered I was quite confused at the end of the movie, wondering how Superman made Lois Lane alive again, as I was very sure she was killed. I remembered walking out of the cinema feeling very happy, and my parents asking me if I liked the movie, which I did. I remembered telling my parents that from then on, my name was Christopher. That name stayed with me till now.
I remembered walking happily along the road to take a bus home, with huge trees on one side of the road. I remembered the cinema was called Odeon, which has being torn down, with a modern office tower (right) now replacing it.
I realised the long lasting memories we have are always the ones that are filled with happiness or sadness. Events that fill one with happiness, or sadness, will always be remembered because of the huge impact on one’s life.
I should really write more about such memories, though I have many, many reservations about writing about the sad ones. It is like I am afraid. Revisiting sad memories will open too many cans of worms.
